December 9, 2020Comments are off for this post.

A Change in Heart: Recovering from Codependency

I've come from a codependent upbringing. During childhood and teen years, my parents were "abusing" themselves with alcohol and other fixes, and at a very young age, I witnessed this behavior and confused it for love.

Do you ever feel so stuck, you're just praying for the signs to be heard and answered? My prayers were answered, at least for today. Tomorrow is the unknown. Something so simple can spark such great inspiration. And so, in times of chaos and duality, the one thing we can control is ourselves, our focus, and our attitude towards a person, place or thing.

Now that I am an adult, I am experiencing love at first hand and I recognize my tendency to avoid it or "run away" from it, as my little child had done or made the decision to do when she was vulnerable and afraid.

Now that I am an adult, I am my own mother to my inner child. I know that previous illusions of "love" can be dissolved and I don’t need to hide away or run from current relationships (including the relationship with myself) because I know what is safe and supportive for me (and my inner child). I have the opportunity to tell her she is safe and she can be direct about how she feels and when she feels it (and then I give her a long embrace, literally.)

What Our Society Says About Feelings

Our culture splits our feelings into two categories: good and bad. Anger, pain, fear and shame are labeled as bad or negative. Joy, passion and love are considered good or positive. Pia Mellody (Facing Codependence) says that "this sort of black and white categorizing is erroneous and dysfunctional.

We are constantly being labeled and worrying about which emotions are acceptable or not. This puts a lot of pressure on us! For example, if a man is afraid, he's a coward. It's acceptable for a woman to be afraid because she is weak and vulnerable, but if a woman is angry then she is a witch, but a man's anger is him exerting his power…" it’s all a bunch of crap!

Another message society imposes on us is that pain is not acceptable (for men or women). The code I interpret when I hear this is that "I don’t have a right to have pain, or I am not worthy of pain, so I should take what I need to numb it", which leads to higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse/ addictions.

Pia says that, "wisdom and maturity come from facing pain and learning from it... we are a nation of very immature people who don’t have the willingness to experience the pain that leads to authentic wisdom. We haven't learned how to tolerate pain and deal with it as an agent of positive change."

Emotionally Numb

"Emotional damage most profoundly sabotages our lives as adult codependents," says Pia. The moment I decided to understand my emotional numbness (rather than being in denial of it) and slowly open to feel is one great step towards liberation!

A behavior that codependents often  have trouble expereincing is setting functional boundries and owning and expressing their own reality. Their needs and wants get mixed up in a storm of what other people need and want (people pleasing) and their personal expression is not being met moderately, nor is it being owned. I've always been very passive aggressive in my words and actions. And up until now, I didn’t realize it was a defect, I took pride in it. (HA!)

I can relate a lot to this… in fact, I am slowly recovering from this dysfunctional, less-than nurturing "parenting" style. As a child, it was all that I knew, the intensity was normal and if I didn’t feel this intensity in myself, in my relationships, sex life, family, food… then I thought something is wrong with me! And worse, I tried to numb myself (and my emotions) for many years in thinking that my behavior was valid and sane when in fact, the more I come to think of it, my life had become unmanageable!

A Willingness to Heal

In Pia Mellody's, Facing Codependence, she explains that feeling healthy emotions is a positive experience. And that as long as each emotion is expressed in a healthy and functional way (not bypassing or numbing), each of our emotions has a specific purpose and can serve as a teacher for us! Below are core emotions and perspective on each:

  • Joy gives us hope and a sense of abundance or "I have enough."
  • Passion gives us an energy that motivates us to create and to survive.
  • Love is a sense of warmth for self or another that motivates us to treat ourselves and others well. It gives us a sense of inherent worth.
  • Anger gives us the strength we need to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. We can use anger in a healthy way to our own best interest by facing it and expressing it in non-abusive ways (to ourselves or to other support).
  • Fear helps us protect ourselves. We become alert to the possibility of danger when we feel fear, that way we can safely protect ourselves. Healthy fear keeps us from getting into relationships that would not be in our own best interest. (A question I asked myself during meditation... "Would... be of my best interest? "Would it be of my best interest to...?" and so on... listening to my body's reaction/ and considering your heart).
  • Pain motivates us to grow towards increasing maturity. Life is full of pain-producing "problems", that is normal and healthy. Feeling the pain produces growth, ability to heal from past events, and a maturity to learn and move on. Repressing the pain and not facing it (or medicating/ abusing substance in some way) keeps us injured and immature.
  • Guilt is a healthy warning system telling us we have transgressed a value we considered to be important. Meaning, what you thought was important and was previously damaged/ hurt by it, is serving as a gentle sign for you to recognize your behavior and evolve. By feeling our guilt, we can shift our behavior and decide to live up to our values.
  • Shame tells us that we are imperfect and that we are not God. Although, according to our culture, we may feel shame but "we're not supposed to talk about it... our lives are filled with experiences of shame." Pia says, "codependency is a shame-based illness and it's hard to recover when the one thing we need to talk about is not supposed to be revealed or discussed." Our own healthy shame serves as a reminder to self that we are perfectly imperfect (as I like to say), and we can learn to be accountable and responsible for our own actions and the world around us.
inner self heart healing codependency

Walking Through the Door

These times bring up so much uncertainty. In a world with so much chaos echoing all around us, it is most important that we listen to our greatest M.V.P... our heart!! As well as trust ourselves and ask ourselves, "What is most important for me right now?" or "What is good for my soul right now?".

I've been the "love avoidant" all my life, because I witnessed a distorted version of love as a child and decided back then to turn away or "avoid" love. Now that I am an adult, I can walk through the shadows, pain and sorrow (all those "black" emotions") and allow them to come up and out without judgement or shame. This is so liberating! I can now see and feel with a new pair of spectacles (and an ever evolving skin suit)! But of course, I had to experience all that I did to come to this realization, how magical!

These days bring so much distortion and it is hard to tell what is true and what is false. Asking ourselves, "What is true?" or "Is it true for me?" is a good place to start when making decisions about your future!! Let's not forget to always invite JOY and PLAY into our relationships, intents, words, and actions!!

It is okay to ask for clarity and take as much time as we need to process our daily experiences. Imagine you get in a car accident and the little child is in the back seat... post accident, everyone is safe, but the little child is traumatized by such an extreme experience. We have to hold our inner child and tell him/ her that we are okay, we are going to be safe, and allow as much time as you need to walk through the door. I always say "take baby steps" or as my mentor says "micro-commitments". And remember, saying "no" is a sentence. When you say "no" to someone else, you say "yes" to yourself.

“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it.” ― David Levithan

inner child play fun codependent
I saw these two little girls doing cartwheels and it reminded me of my nature... I hope it brings you to yours
Even when we fall... we can get back up
A message written in the sand at Waialua Beach, Kauai

Featured Photo @rosa.scipion

Other photos taken by me on my most recent adventure to Kauai

Highly recommend books "Love Addiction" and "Facing Codependency" by Pia Mellody

For further help/ recovery, reach out to me for support and/or healing breathwork sessions; also visit Al-Anon.org for further support.

April 7, 2020No Comments

Master Your Toolbox: The Reconstruction of Our Home

What's a leader? What defines a leader in our world? We have been conditioned to think that a leader is someone outside of us; which can be true; although, in times like these, we must center on our inner (cheer) leader.

Think of anyone who's always intrigued you, challenged your beliefs, caused you to feel a certain way, sad, happy, angry; someone that inspires you... why? What qualities do they possess that allows you to put so much of your attention on them?

In truth, we cannot be looking outside for the answers. We can be curious and ask for help, but it is certain that your answers are already stored in your very own tool box; the toolbox called your heart. Your intuition is your most sacred and valuable tool, which has been given to you to use to navigate this earth and the life that you create for yourself. We are so fortunate. Not only do we have a heart to navigate, we have a mind to constantly challenge incoming and existing thoughts and beliefs that we encounter everyday.

With our heart to come to for direction when we are stuck, our mind to process our internal dialogue, and our spirit which embodies our physical... who would fear intimacy with such an intelligent creature? We were never taught how to consume, digest, process, store, purge, and heal... as complex as life may seem, it is so simple you see. I could (and I have) spent lifetimes simply discovering and uncovering my own body's unique and authentic faucets. This is part of my process. Your process may be completely different.

When we love our individual process and we honor our metamorphosis, our transformation becomes like a drug, and we fall madly in love with our "home".

The difference between us and an animal is that an animal knows one thing: survival. On the other hand, we are given the gift of intuition; a direct connection to Source/ God itself, a connection that created us, drives us, and powers our sole/soul purpose here on this wonderful Earth. Because we hold the tool for being/ existing in our core, we are meant to lead others which have not discovered their tools yet, on the path of discovery, to let them know, "hey you have a toolbox, if you need help using it, I am here to guide you, but you possess it, it is not going anywhere, and it will bring you home".

The process to discovery is meant to be challenging. If it was easy, we wouldn't need tools. We don't need to know where we are going and we don't need to put pressure on ourselves. Pressure comes from conditioning of society, conditioning of the self and how we should be, who we should be; we weren't given a manual at birth, a manual that says who you are and what you will do. No, that would be boring and meaningful and completely lifeless... you might as well be dead. So now you see why it is okay to feel lost, lonely, and vulnerable, it is our nature (only for a short time). We are given tools (I am referring to your heart, intuition, mind and body), tools to pick up, and practice, again and again and again.

I came into this body with one big heart and so did you. I possess a heart that feels for your heart and that wants to play and unite other hearts. Drop all expectations and beliefs of being separate from one another. You are alive right now to make clear your "why", your reason for being on this planet at this time, because by you being alive in a fully functioning body (you could not have a body or a leg or something... think how fortunate you are); you are beautiful because you are you.

Think back to the leaders.... what makes them so powerful to you? They are so incredibly different from you... and you are so different from them. They have a purpose, a message to convey to the masses, and guess what, so do you. Have that conversation with yourself, what brings you joy? Why are we all here connected to each other? The answer is to unite and empower each other in authentic ways.

Why are we faced with challenges and with the constant illusion of fear blanketing the earth? It is there for us to observe and detach from the low vibration. Break out your toolbox, the earth is under construction right now, and same for each of us individually.

Its time to lay out all your tools, observe, touch, study, wonder, and make use of the time for ultimate pleasure. As much as you may want to pull up a "how to..." with all the resources we have available at our fingertips, always challenge what you see and hear, and use the knowledge as a stepping stone as you pave your path to your almighty heart. This is not the time to detour another way because all paths lead to your heart. That being the case, face your truth now so you can lead together. If you want to detour that's cool too, do what you have to do. Only you know whats best for you.

Be like the little child that has all the toys/ tools scattered all over the floor, picking one up, one at a time, going slow and existing in you right now for a reason. Tune into its vibration and share conversation with it. The whole universe is working with you to be breathing right now. Create the moment. Craft a story. Build a strong foundation for your empire. You have to clean up all the toys if you want to start a new project.

Use this time (because you have and you always will, have all the time in the world) to pick up the pieces and clear the space/ unwanted energy that isn't serving you or your higher self. Start there. Take your time. One block at a time. You got this. Let's concentrate on our toolbox so much that we can trust one another to operate in each others field. It is essential that we show up for our individual process while showing up with acceptance and compassion for each other. Facilitating in the healing of the collective is the foundation of our future.

You are your own (cheer) leader. Focus your energy and emotion on what brings you joy and pleasure and plant this seed deep into the rich soil. Nourish your seed with patience, pure water, high alkaline foods (plant-based), a strong like-minded conscious community, peace, loving thoughts, and courageous work. Craft the spaceship of your dreams... then don't stop there... keep creating and helping others craft. We are one heart. Let's work on the construction of our home together. We need each other. We are coming home.

nicolefisser as muse in dunes photo journal blog reconstruction of our home heart open
nicolefisser open heart during transformation of planet happy soul community
photojournal of nicolefisser as muse for daniellefisser creative writing blog sisters in glamis dunes soul family
nature is simple nicole plays in the sand discovery is opening your heart to change
nicolefisser muse for daniellefisser creative community breakawaymovement sand dunes family heart unity
leadership and patience open heart toolbox reconstruction of home heart sister soul unity consciousness of planet nicolefisser daniellefisser
inspiration freedom art is creative thought is creative art create photography writing muse nature stillness love heart unity
unity is service for each other working together smiles and transformation of our planet unified consciousness laughter sisters nicolefisser daniellefisser blog photojournal muse breakawaymovement community love family

"Leadership is ultimately about creating a way for people to contribute to making something extraordinary happen."

Muse: Nicole Fisser (@nicolefisser)

Glamis Sand Dunes, California

For more resources and collective support visit https://join.breakawaymovement.com/f/6/optin-sk5?a=danielle6l65v8i9.