February 22, 2022No Comments

2/22/22 Dream Waves Portal

On the evening of February 21, 20222, I had a pretty mellow night, to say the least. I showered, ate a light meal of a small Japanese sweet potato and sauerkraut, finishing an episode on Gaia TV about Human Design. I was cleaning out my ear wax with hydrogen peroxide. (This is a great way to remove excess wax buildup, just pour a few drops of HP and allow it to bubble away!) After using the bulb to flush my ears out with water, a ton of wax came rushing out of my ears. You could say that the first stage of the opening of a canal was complete, literally.

I crawled into bed around 10:30PM. I read for 30 minutes and then I was over it. Stretched for 5 minutes on my bed. I picked up my vibrator and took some pleasure in it. Over that too. My body was tired but my mind was active, eventually I tried to sleep.

What felt like hours of dream waves, dreams unfolding into more dreams, me tossing and turning in bed, restless as fuck, realistically, the dreams cycled through my psyche in a series of seconds.

Nightmares for Healing

The first dream wave took me on this journey through a push and pull "violation of my body" nightmare running from the villain, a man is out to get me, pursuing an attack on me, violating my vehicle... the same pattern has come up for me over and over in my dreams.

Guidance note: As I'm writing this, I hear a cat meowing. I opened my front door and a cat was sitting there on my doorstep. I've never seen this cat before. It was shy, we made eye contact and it went on it's path. The symbolism.

The dreams of "my vehicle being violated" (the vehicle in my dreams symbolize my body) has been a very relevant pattern for me. Doris E. Cohen shares in her book "Dreaming on Both Sides of the Brain", that when we experience reoccurring dreams, it's like our subconscious is nudging us over and over, to the point where it can become nightmarish, and really get our attention, in order for us to heal and change a subconscious pattern. Our dreams are like a bridge between the masculine analytical and logical conscious self (right side of the brain) and the feminine unconscious, intuitive self (left side of the brain). Remember that the next time you have a reoccurring dream.

Years ago, I experienced a "rape". (Even now I am attempting to make it smaller than it seems by inserting the quotes around rape, hmm fascinating.) At the time, I wasn't saying I was raped because it made me feel powerless. To identify myself as a victim of rape felt very disempowering. My body's natural response to stress, "fight, flight or freeze" kicked in, and my body froze up.

I've created a wall around love to protect myself from this trauma (a memory our body holds onto) and it isn't serving me anymore. Clearly my subconscious is signaling me to heal and shift out of this old story! Isn't that just lovely spirit medicine!?

Enter the the Dreamworld

Still tossing and turning, a sleepless night that felt endless; like I was "falling" down a tunnel in the dream world...

You could say I landed (enter the dream) under the mother tree of all trees. Shady, grassy, supportive and safe, overlooking the complex grid of the Earth, we were higher up, closer to the heavens, kind of like how the Greeks made Mount Olympus, the temple of the Gods, elevated above all of Athens (which I had the pleasure to experience right after my transformational rebirth breathwork experience in Greece last September 2021).

This dream spoke codes of higher consciousness, paradigm death, purpose and soul mission. The tree was like a transformer or AI that was at war in the sky, it got shot down, came plunging through the sky, landed, rooted in its heaviness and density, and began to display a visual transmission. The man who was "attacking me" in my previous nightmare, was invited by the AI Mother Tree to call a conference. We sat in harmony, observing a large array of technological computer codes imbedded in the trees complex, archives that were way beyond my understanding, we sat side by side, heart and heart, while the wise tree projected something very specific... a visual of the sphynx of Egypt aligning exactly to the tip of the pyramid. The sphynx was licking the tip of the pyramid and this meant the ending or "death of the sphynx era".

Because this is my dream, the symbols (sphinx, tree, pyramid) are relevant to me and my life. Based off my personal interpretation, the sphynx represents a feline, guardian protector energy. The pyramid represents light, unlimited energy, and power. And the sphynx "licking" the tip of the pyramid represents an intimacy, coming into contact with and duality that exists. It's also a very playful energy too! 😜 The lick is symbolic of the bridge between the guardian and the temple, victim consciousness and unity consciousness, the conscious and subconscious. The death of the sphynx paradigm is here.

Individually (this is what it feels like for me) and collectively, that we are transiting through the birth canal, contractions occurring, in the process of being "pushed through" by the mother tree (nature, natural laws, love and compassion). This day opens the portal to a potent rebirth (yet it's important to note that this process takes time and if you feel like you find yourself rushing, forcing things, trying to do things and meeting resistance, it can and probably is related to your actual birth truama (see my last post about how our birth creates a blueprint for our life here). Give yourself some time, you are right where you need to be).

Remember Your Mission

It became very clear that the mother tree was calling us together (to rest under her simply complex branches of peace and connection) to return to our mission here on Earth. The gates of victim/ nightmare consciousness are closing and we are being called to return together as one, and remember our higher mission. Your dreams have the potential to carry you on a golden chariot through your life with ease and joy.

When a dream has many layers and details, which most of my dreams do, I will record it and come back to it for further interpretation. This time, I sketched out some pictures in my dream journal, along with the recording. The voice note ended on minute 17:17.

Angel Guidance

Since this number came up for me, that means it came up for you too. That's how I see it.

Here is the message of angel number 1717:

I repeat: You Have All That You Need Within You.

The number 1 represents creation, new energy and independence. Number 7 represents enlightenment, knowledge and higher learning. Since both numbers appear twice, this energy is AMPLIFIED.

We are being called to raise the vibrational frequency of all listeners. Don't waste your time with people who aren't listening.

Power words I've extracted from this sacred portal are unity, bridge, passion, purpose, teaching, healing, communication, wisdom, expression, creation and love.

What words spoke to you? What is one thing you learned about yourself today? What actions do you feel called to implement? How can you advance your spiritual practice? Journal on this or share in the comments below 🙂

As you transition through your process, don't forget to share your story with someone and send the light of 1000 suns to your heart and to some hearts that are close to yours. You are the creator of your reality. Step up to the dancefloor and let's get wild baby!

For further support, interest in breathwork sessions, or just a simple "hey sister, I see you", connect with me via IG or my contact page.

To join my free Facebook group where I share free trainings on how to heal and connect naturally through breathwork, click here.

See more about angel number 1717 here.

xoxo

December 9, 2020Comments are off for this post.

A Change in Heart: Recovering from Codependency

I've come from a codependent upbringing. During childhood and teen years, my parents were "abusing" themselves with alcohol and other fixes, and at a very young age, I witnessed this behavior and confused it for love.

Do you ever feel so stuck, you're just praying for the signs to be heard and answered? My prayers were answered, at least for today. Tomorrow is the unknown. Something so simple can spark such great inspiration. And so, in times of chaos and duality, the one thing we can control is ourselves, our focus, and our attitude towards a person, place or thing.

Now that I am an adult, I am experiencing love at first hand and I recognize my tendency to avoid it or "run away" from it, as my little child had done or made the decision to do when she was vulnerable and afraid.

Now that I am an adult, I am my own mother to my inner child. I know that previous illusions of "love" can be dissolved and I don’t need to hide away or run from current relationships (including the relationship with myself) because I know what is safe and supportive for me (and my inner child). I have the opportunity to tell her she is safe and she can be direct about how she feels and when she feels it (and then I give her a long embrace, literally.)

What Our Society Says About Feelings

Our culture splits our feelings into two categories: good and bad. Anger, pain, fear and shame are labeled as bad or negative. Joy, passion and love are considered good or positive. Pia Mellody (Facing Codependence) says that "this sort of black and white categorizing is erroneous and dysfunctional.

We are constantly being labeled and worrying about which emotions are acceptable or not. This puts a lot of pressure on us! For example, if a man is afraid, he's a coward. It's acceptable for a woman to be afraid because she is weak and vulnerable, but if a woman is angry then she is a witch, but a man's anger is him exerting his power…" it’s all a bunch of crap!

Another message society imposes on us is that pain is not acceptable (for men or women). The code I interpret when I hear this is that "I don’t have a right to have pain, or I am not worthy of pain, so I should take what I need to numb it", which leads to higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse/ addictions.

Pia says that, "wisdom and maturity come from facing pain and learning from it... we are a nation of very immature people who don’t have the willingness to experience the pain that leads to authentic wisdom. We haven't learned how to tolerate pain and deal with it as an agent of positive change."

Emotionally Numb

"Emotional damage most profoundly sabotages our lives as adult codependents," says Pia. The moment I decided to understand my emotional numbness (rather than being in denial of it) and slowly open to feel is one great step towards liberation!

A behavior that codependents often  have trouble expereincing is setting functional boundries and owning and expressing their own reality. Their needs and wants get mixed up in a storm of what other people need and want (people pleasing) and their personal expression is not being met moderately, nor is it being owned. I've always been very passive aggressive in my words and actions. And up until now, I didn’t realize it was a defect, I took pride in it. (HA!)

I can relate a lot to this… in fact, I am slowly recovering from this dysfunctional, less-than nurturing "parenting" style. As a child, it was all that I knew, the intensity was normal and if I didn’t feel this intensity in myself, in my relationships, sex life, family, food… then I thought something is wrong with me! And worse, I tried to numb myself (and my emotions) for many years in thinking that my behavior was valid and sane when in fact, the more I come to think of it, my life had become unmanageable!

A Willingness to Heal

In Pia Mellody's, Facing Codependence, she explains that feeling healthy emotions is a positive experience. And that as long as each emotion is expressed in a healthy and functional way (not bypassing or numbing), each of our emotions has a specific purpose and can serve as a teacher for us! Below are core emotions and perspective on each:

  • Joy gives us hope and a sense of abundance or "I have enough."
  • Passion gives us an energy that motivates us to create and to survive.
  • Love is a sense of warmth for self or another that motivates us to treat ourselves and others well. It gives us a sense of inherent worth.
  • Anger gives us the strength we need to do what is necessary to take care of ourselves. We can use anger in a healthy way to our own best interest by facing it and expressing it in non-abusive ways (to ourselves or to other support).
  • Fear helps us protect ourselves. We become alert to the possibility of danger when we feel fear, that way we can safely protect ourselves. Healthy fear keeps us from getting into relationships that would not be in our own best interest. (A question I asked myself during meditation... "Would... be of my best interest? "Would it be of my best interest to...?" and so on... listening to my body's reaction/ and considering your heart).
  • Pain motivates us to grow towards increasing maturity. Life is full of pain-producing "problems", that is normal and healthy. Feeling the pain produces growth, ability to heal from past events, and a maturity to learn and move on. Repressing the pain and not facing it (or medicating/ abusing substance in some way) keeps us injured and immature.
  • Guilt is a healthy warning system telling us we have transgressed a value we considered to be important. Meaning, what you thought was important and was previously damaged/ hurt by it, is serving as a gentle sign for you to recognize your behavior and evolve. By feeling our guilt, we can shift our behavior and decide to live up to our values.
  • Shame tells us that we are imperfect and that we are not God. Although, according to our culture, we may feel shame but "we're not supposed to talk about it... our lives are filled with experiences of shame." Pia says, "codependency is a shame-based illness and it's hard to recover when the one thing we need to talk about is not supposed to be revealed or discussed." Our own healthy shame serves as a reminder to self that we are perfectly imperfect (as I like to say), and we can learn to be accountable and responsible for our own actions and the world around us.
inner self heart healing codependency

Walking Through the Door

These times bring up so much uncertainty. In a world with so much chaos echoing all around us, it is most important that we listen to our greatest M.V.P... our heart!! As well as trust ourselves and ask ourselves, "What is most important for me right now?" or "What is good for my soul right now?".

I've been the "love avoidant" all my life, because I witnessed a distorted version of love as a child and decided back then to turn away or "avoid" love. Now that I am an adult, I can walk through the shadows, pain and sorrow (all those "black" emotions") and allow them to come up and out without judgement or shame. This is so liberating! I can now see and feel with a new pair of spectacles (and an ever evolving skin suit)! But of course, I had to experience all that I did to come to this realization, how magical!

These days bring so much distortion and it is hard to tell what is true and what is false. Asking ourselves, "What is true?" or "Is it true for me?" is a good place to start when making decisions about your future!! Let's not forget to always invite JOY and PLAY into our relationships, intents, words, and actions!!

It is okay to ask for clarity and take as much time as we need to process our daily experiences. Imagine you get in a car accident and the little child is in the back seat... post accident, everyone is safe, but the little child is traumatized by such an extreme experience. We have to hold our inner child and tell him/ her that we are okay, we are going to be safe, and allow as much time as you need to walk through the door. I always say "take baby steps" or as my mentor says "micro-commitments". And remember, saying "no" is a sentence. When you say "no" to someone else, you say "yes" to yourself.

“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it.” ― David Levithan

inner child play fun codependent
I saw these two little girls doing cartwheels and it reminded me of my nature... I hope it brings you to yours
Even when we fall... we can get back up
A message written in the sand at Waialua Beach, Kauai

Featured Photo @rosa.scipion

Other photos taken by me on my most recent adventure to Kauai

Highly recommend books "Love Addiction" and "Facing Codependency" by Pia Mellody

For further help/ recovery, reach out to me for support and/or healing breathwork sessions; also visit Al-Anon.org for further support.